So I have many things on my mind tonight and rather than compile them into one profound post, I decided to just sort of make a list of random thoughts. So here goes:

*Yesterday I made an amazing dinner of chicken pot pie, like the homemade kind where you boil the chicken and make the crust from scratch. To go with it, I made homemade rolls, and bread. It was awesome, both to eat and for my mental health. I decided that I need to do more baking/cooking, it makes me feel good. I was reminded of a Patty Griffin song, Making Pies, where sometimes all you can do is the day to day stuff, and just keep moving on. It was very cathartic.
*Today I saw two movies, one at the theatre with my MIL, 27 Dresses, I recommend it for a fun chick flick kind of day. Then I rented, The Nanny Diaries, another chick flick. I had really low expectations of that one, because I had read the book, but it wasn’t too bad.
*I also have of course been spending way to much time on the computer as usual for me. I have a “Facebook” account now, as does my husband. It really is more of an educational thing for me, as I have a budding teenager, who really wants a Myspace page, which I have also. I have several nieces and nephews that have one or both of these accounts. It is amazing to read what they are writing and doing with these things. I wonder what forms of communication will be the new thing when my youngest is a teenager. I can’t imagine making weekend plans based on a website. When I was in college, if there was a party at the park, there would be handmade signs posted everywhere. Everyone was invited, there wasn’t a who’s invited and who didn’t make the cut. I also wonder if some of the stuff they are saying on these sites are things they would say to one another face to face. I know in my own little head very few people read what I write on this site or any other place I write. These kids, though, are experiencing conflict and whether or not they resolve it is unknown to me, as I am only reading one side of the conversation. It sort of scares me to think that my daughter someday soon will have people calling a f**ing b**ch, on a web space for all to see. How bout sitting down and discussing things in a more private way. Now I’m sure having said this for all public to see, my nieces and nephews are going to block me from their pages, so I can’t see what’s going on, but hopefully I’ll still have the privilege of seeing this inner workings of teenage life. I feel better prepared for what’s to come with this knowledge.
*I am feeling much better, maybe I am over this horrid sickness, that has plagued me for 2 weeks now. Thanks for all your concern.
*As a result of my husband working the night shift I’ve started writing totally random stuff out of sheer boredom. Because I know all of you are dying to know the inner workings of my brain.

So I know your not going to believe this, but I am still sick. Not only do I still have the cough, sore throat, head cold thing, you can now add stomach bug to the mix. Yes it’s hard to believe that one human could withstand so much sickness and still manage to write, but I am in fact that sick. I write this from my bed, which is just a couple of steps away from my bathroom, which I cannot venture more than a couple of feet from. I have thrown up, I have done things you really don’t even want to know about. It is awful, and for those of you who know me, know that I would rather be lying dead on the side of the road than throwing up, but it happened and I have survived so far. Now if I’m not better by morning, that might be a different post all together. So anyway, just thought I’d give you a little update, since I was so whiny with the first portion of this illness. Hopefully the next time I write, it will be in good health.

I have suffered from depression/anxiety really for about the past three years. It started with post-partum depression when my youngest was born and really I don’t think it went away. The last year and a half, though, has been pretty rough for me. I’ve had a lot of change go on in my life and I haven’t handled it very well, in fact for almost a year now I’ve been taking medicine to control it. I was very hesitant to go on medication for it, I’m not sure why, maybe I felt it would show a sign of weakness. Anyway, I still have this goal to be able to go off of it eventually, I’m just not a huge fan of medicine. So I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day and came across a link to this magazine. The article is so worth the read, it has a totally different outlook on our “dark emotions”, and I think for the most part I agree with it. I am much more hopeful after reading the article that I am in fact going to be able to go off the medicine I’m on eventually, and just work through my emotions naturally. I agree that we as a country are very much over medicated and live in this comfortable society, where pain or discomfort at any level is viewed as something we need to fix. This is the quote that caught my attention and made me read the whole article.

“When we don’t turn away from pain, we open our hearts and are more able to connect to the best part of ourselves and others–because every human being knows pain. I’m not sure what enlightenment is, but I’m sure it has something to do with turning pain into love.”
–Myriam Greenspan, from “On Moving from Grief to Gratitude”

It really coincides with this book I’m reading right now, called Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas the book is fantastic and I recommend everyone read it. The subtitle is “What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?” It has really changed the way I think about life in general, not just marriage, it’s an amazing book and you don’t have to be married to read it in fact if your thinking about marriage I recommend it. So many of us go into marriage with this fairytale picture of how life is going to be and those of us that are married know that is just not the case. There will always be hard times, this book helps you look at how that can bring you closer to God, and as a result strengthen your marriage.

Isn’t it amazing the power of scent. How a smell can take you back to a moment in time, something you can’t forget ever good or bad. I have an incredibly sensitive nose, I can smell things that most others can’t. In fact when I was pregnant with Maddison, my mom had to move all the plants out of her house because I could smell the dirt. So while I think most people have this phenomenon, I think I am more prone to smells sparking memories. For example the towels in my mom’s kitchen instantly takes me back to my grandma’s house. I think because they always smell like homemade bread and while I don’t actually remember my grandma making bread, her house always smelled that way. I’m sure someday when my mom is gone, I’ll think of her as well when I smell that wonderful smell of homemade bread. Even bad smells, like today Andrew was starting a fire in the fireplace and it wouldn’t go, so it had that bad burning smell and I thought of my brother’s house burning down. But there are so many other things, the smell of Baby Magic lotion will always remind me of my babies, and there is nothing better than the smell of a newborn baby. There is a certain perfume that will always remind me of my sister, she used to wear Polo Ralph Lauren, and every time I smell it I think of her. There are other perfumes/colognes that spark memories, too. Cool Water will always remind me of my 7th grade boyfriend, Abercrombie & Fitch will always remind me of when Andrew and I started dating, although they don’t make the exact kind anymore, which stinks. Anyway, we cleaned house today and Andrew mopped the floor, so the house smells so clean and it just got me to thinking of how strongly scent is linked to memories. I wonder what scent will remind my kids of me when I’m old. What’s your favorite smells that bring back memories.

Do you ever just feel stuck? I get that way often, stuck in the same emotion, cooking, reading, writing, whatever it might be, just stuck. I can’t stop thinking of the same thing and it drives me crazy. This song that’s playing reminds me of it even more, so I thought it fitting to put it up for a couple days. Like being stuck on a verse, I’m stuck in a kind of limbo in life. I’ve had a lot of changes going on in my life, both mentally and physically and it has just put me into this kind of rut. This limbo of indecision. I feel like I’ve lost all ability to make decisions, because they might actually be the wrong ones, which by the way, I’ve made a few of those. I have a big decision coming up soon and the threat of making the right choice is weighing me down. I won’t go into it here, but when I decide, you’ll be the first to know.

So I took this quiz today called “Who’s your inner rock chic”, it was fun and easy here’s what mine said:

***You Are Ani Difranco!***
Honest, real, and well liked.You’re not limited by any boundaries.”And you can call me crazyBut I think you’re as lazy as white paint on the wall”

So you can get to the site here. Let me know who your most like, it takes like a minute to complete and it’s kind of fun.

I love Emily Dickenson and was flipping through one of my collections and found this poem. So I share it with you:

The Mystery of Pain
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

It’s one of my favorites, and kind of goes along with my previous post.:)